Today I was going back through all my old emails and finding really old pictures that I had forgotten about. Some of them were quite shocking to me. The way I was dressed and the obscene gestures that I was making. It seemed like I was staring at another person. Someone I did not recognize. I was shocked at how ugly I was. I don't just mean superficially, but you can really see the spiritual rot underneath. Underneath all the make up and slutty clothing, there was a depravity there that I had forgotten about! Honestly, it really upset me.
Then, I realized that I was so grateful to have seen these photos! To remember how much Jesus has done for me....how far He has brought me. I need reminders of just how wretched I actually am to humble me again. Pride is a tricky thing, it is a sneaky foe. It tries to make you feel like you are better than you actually are. I am good because He is good. I am kind because He is kind. He saw the tiny bit of good in me even back then. He saw me for what I would become. Yes, I cooperated with Him, so I can feel good about that.
Thinking back on it.....I always wanted to be good. I just didn't know how to be, because I was wicked and loved my sin. Abused my body with promiscuity, excessive tattoos, drug abuse, cutting and overeating. Revealing clothing and excessive makeup, my vanity could not be measured. How disgusted I am now thinking back on it! Thanks be to God He came to dwell within me!
I've been having my tattoos removed for the last year at Project Erase. I want them all gone....off my skin. Even though I have ruined my skin beyond repair, scars all over like train tracks, scars from injecting drugs and stretched out skin from excessive weight gain and then loss....I can still remove the hideous ink. As much as I can have them fade away, the better it will be. God made me so beautiful, my skin so smooth as a baby, so pure. Sprinkling freckles across my shoulders and nose....the perfect cover for this wonderful body he put my soul in. THEN, I disfigured it....I did everything in my power to destroy it. Like some hideous, cheap graffiti haphazardly sprayed on a beautiful stone wall.....in rebellion, saying to God..."The way you made it is not good enough! I have better ideas!"......Oh, how I've begged for forgiveness.....
So now, I do what I can. Any little thing I can do to show Him that I know....He DID do a good job when He made me! I am so grateful for Project Erase for helping me with my tattoo removal. I could never afford the procedures otherwise. The procedure is unbelievably painful. It feels like being burned with boiling oil....splattering on your skin. I unite it to the cross.
If anyone ever doubts the power of Almighty God.....look at my life.
ONLY JESUS could have taken a wretch like me from the night club scene, a drunken floozie wandering the dark alleys looking for a fix.....to someone now that sits in adoration every day, longing for the day when I will get to see Him face to face. Someone who experiences a "high" at every single daily mass that no drug could ever HOPE to compare to! The love of God is a high like no other.....one that we were meant to have. Only Jesus, knowing that we as humans would need the Eucharist....to go into our physical bodies, to be absorbed into our blood streams.....to flow to every single cell. His body, blood, soul and divinity.....in EVERY CELL!
He is slowly repairing all the damage that I've done. Some of the externals will never be fixed, and that's ok.
It's good to have reminders.......
Project Erase...after one of my procedures, talking to my mom.
Bye Bye Kitty. :)